When Sex Hurts
Dear Inara,
I have been dealing with a strange thing which involves pain. After I learned of the Qadishtu path and a name was given to a path I have felt drawn to for a long time, I began to experience this disinterest in sex and pain during sex. This is frustrating to me to say the least. In some of my own studies I found that many of Aphrodite’s priestesses were virgins. This seemed to be some sort of contradiction to me, just as my situation is. So I ask myself, were my feelings wrong? Is this just part of my own path I must understand first? Will this ever change and I return to normal? Is it that I have begun viewing all sex as a sacred act and somehow my memories of the past oppression have come back to haunt me and taunt me that pleasure is wrong? Or that sacredness cannot involve pleasure? I don't know the answers, but I am a walking question mark half the time and I am determined to find my answers. I wonder, has anyone else had these experiences or thoughts?
― Qadishtu in Pain
Dearest Qadishtu in Pain,
Thank you for your courage in sharing.
Aphrodite’s priestesses were virgins, in the original sense of the term. Virgins were women who were not tied to any one man; they were sexually autonomous — the word did not originally mean sexually untouched. So, there's not actually a contradiction there if you look at it from this perspective.
However, her priestesses were dedicated to using sexuality in sacred ways only. When we begin to learn about sacred sexuality, many of us pass through a period of disgust or shame with how we have used sexuality in the past. I used to get off on the power associated with sexuality and would attract men to me and have sex with them and then never call them back. I called it “guy mode” because that’s the way I perceived guys to operate (after I was the victim of some thoughtless sex and wanted retribution). This was not healthy, not respectful and certainly not sacred. Because I have experienced some of the darker aspects of sex, I can now see that I learned from that experience: I learned how to state what I wanted; I learned to be sexually autonomous; I learned how sex and intimacy and love are not synonymous, even though most people combine or confuse these ideas. I also learned how to empathize and connect with other people who are still stuck in this way of being. Going through that time and experiencing my own shame about how I was then has helped to make me a stronger Qadishtu.
Your body may also be giving you messages: Now that you are beginning to understand the sacred nature of sexuality, your body armoring and stored bodily emotions are sending you messages about things you need to heal. Perhaps you have experienced forced sex or some form of sexual trauma. Sometimes the traumatic experience relates to your genitals and not to sex per se. How did your parents, friends and lovers treat menstruation, especially your first time? Have you ever had your boundaries crossed, and didn't know how to protect yourself? You may need to take some time off from sex in order to identify and heal the wounds your body remembers, but your psyche may have buried. We are all wounded sexually by growing up in this sex negative culture. Take some time and listen to your body and to your Goddess and give yourself permission to grow, to heal, to understand and to integrate.
